1:40 amhours about him and everything that's
going on, everything that's not, all
the things that make no sense to me.
it's eye opening for me. when i talk
to her everything i've felt, every-
thing i've ignored, it just flows and
i feel more than i've felt and a very
long time. and it's hard to deal with.
i gave this address to my best friend.
for the first time someone i honestly
know is going to be reading all of this.
it's scary but it's good for me. it
makes me more aware of the fact that
people do care. not that i doubt that,
i just need reminding every once in a
while. i get so overwhelmed with the
horrors of the world that sometimes i
struggle to see the light that's right
in front of my face. but it makes it
harder to be honest about everything.
i'm so afraid of everything i have to
second guess, no matter what i'm doing.
my fears outweigh everything else in
my life. everything. that word will be
used way too often.
i am a jumbled mess of nerves right now
for fifty million different reasons. i
wish i could collect them into words and
deliver something beautiful for you but
i just can't. i wish i could go sleep for
days but i have to wake up tomorrow. i have
to go spend the day with my family. i have
to see if he'll keep his promise. it's
not what you're going to expect. there's
no teenage crushing going on here. that
i can promise you. it's me being overly
attached because i'm an overly sensitive
overly emotional human being that's too
empathetic for her own good. i put myself
into situations where i know i'll get
hurt in the end because i've poured my
heart into this to help them but i just
can't handle the stress and the fear and
the worry and the not knowing what they're
thinking. but i force myself to deal with
it because they need me right now. and i
can't let them think that they can't come
to me. i hate not knowing what's going on.
i hate not understanding what people are
thinking. and some days the things he says
are so clear and so unmistakable. and then
he'll turn around and say the most confusing
thing i've ever heard and i just won't be
right again until i've figured it out or
i've asked him what the heck is going on.
i've been shaking for hours now. confronting
things is hard for me. especially when they're
all about how i feel and how this person feels
about me and how i don't understand things and
i don't feel like i ever will understand things
it's harder than anything else i've ever dealt
with in my life. but that's why god put my
nana in my life. without her i'd be the biggest
disaster on the face of the planet. i would be
unable to function.
thank you lord for people like her. without them
people like me would all just wither away and die.
Distressed
--
it snows only once in our dreams.
--
She said that it’s we who are rushing passed the wind
and that the sky is really below our feet
{ makes it easier to reach for the stars I guess }
and your other recent favorite
xo!
--
an antique arms and armor expert
--
all goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,
and to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.
-walt whitman
I really appreciate it.
--
I think you're a boy with eyes like wishing wells that never come true.
When it's almost a heartbeat away from silence she curls up in closets and the lack of oxygen makes her feel like she can fly.
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